Michigan Sports Suck and I’m Mad About It

Maybe suck isn’t the right word. Awful, terrible, sad, horrific, and depressing could all work. You know the old saying of “I’m not mad, just disappointed?” that your parents probably have said to you? Yeah, that no longer applies to Michigan sports teams. I’m pissed. We have no team that can contend. Here’s my rundown specifically:

Lions: How can you lose to Darnold and Dak Prescott, but beat Tom Brady? That makes no damn sense. I’m sure Patricia circled the New England game when he was hired in, and the Lions were phenomenal in that game. What Patricia needs to do is circle every game on the schedule, and maybe we’ll win some ball games. I’m so confused on this Lions team. Run the ball. Rush the quarterback. Tackle Ezekiel Elliot. Just do something meaningful. This Lions team can not win games scoring 21 points. Despicable.

Pistons: Where the hell is our money? Why do we not have a superstar? Why is it a question of whether or not we will contend for a playoff spot in the EAST? For Christ sake, the East is the worst conference this league has ever had and we can’t even get a playoff spot. Our savior Blake Griffin will be making $30M+ the next 70 years. Jon Leur is making $19M the next two years. Reggie Jackson is making $35M the next two years. Are you kidding me? Where is our playmaker? Why can’t they draft quality players? Why isn’t Jimmy Butler in uniform yet? Disgraceful.

Tigers: Nice rebuild. Top 5 pick. Except you won too many games. Also, what happened to our rotation from 4 years ago? Price, Verlander, Scherzer, Porcello, and Sanchez? 4/5 won the Cy Young and we don’t have one of them now. I can honestly say I haven’t watched one of their games this year. Uninterested.

Red Wings: I don’t watch hockey but they didn’t make the playoffs and that’s not good so boo Red Wings. Indifferent.

Wolverines: Here we go. Let’s go ahead and get 5 QB’s, have Speight suck, throw O’Korn out there and suck more, then Peters suck but a little less. Then let’s have McCaffery be our future, with some good freshman coming in, but go out and get Shea Patterson. Then, let’s have Shea only throw to tight ends on out routes for 3 yards each time against Notre Dame to ruin our season. This team has so much talent being wasted. Disgusting.

Spartans: I watched my first Spartans game this weekend in EL. Lewerke is not all that I was expecting him to be. This team is just like the Wolverines, except worse. Expected.

There’s no good in this state. It’s all just junk. I’m sick of it. I wish I could confidently take Michigan -5.5 vs Northwestern but I can’t. I wish I could take the Lions -2.5 vs the Jets but I can’t. I wish I could watch the Tigers but it’s so hard. I wish the Pistons were fun but they’re not. Michigan sports suck.